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Wednesday, 22 March 2017

MUST READ. Victor Ibeh: Marriages in Nigeria Are Sustained by Women.





Marriages in Nigeria and most parts of Africa are sustained by women. You can argue this with your village deity. Women in general, put up with a lot of bullshit just to make their marriages work. From childhood they have been taught that a wise woman keeps her home. In order to keep their homes, they end up enduring a lot of ill-treatment. 
Find any woman who has been with a man for donkey years and ask her if she would love to marry that same man over again in her next life. Majority would say no. This brings us to the point that most marriages are endurance marriages not happy marriages. Unfortunately, we are told that marital success is about duration. 
A successful marriage isn’t about duration but happiness. If two people spend five years together, happily and add immense value to each other; if they decide to break up without fighting about it, their marriage can be rated as successful. Spending eternity together in sorrow isn’t the idea of success to me. It is what you do in the marriage that counts not how long. 
Scan through the length and breadth of Nigeria and see the things women endure. This is not to say that women are innocent. Marriage in Nigeria is quite disadvantageous to the women folk. Except you are lucky to have a man who has a good head. Infidelity, entitlement mentality, domestic violence, third party interference, patriarchal orientation etc are some of the things women bear up. How many women are willing to walk out of their marriages when they are abused? They want to keep their homes and status. They want to raise their kids. They don’t want to be seen as failures. The moment a marriage fails, everybody points at the woman. This in itself is psychologically abusive. 
Everything wrong with the marriage, is the woman’s fault. Bad children are her fault. Failed business, failure to have kids, crappy sex, the man’s infidelity, the man’s arrogance towards his family members, his stinginess to people in general, his lack of spirituality, his night crawling attitude, his poor dressing, everything is her fault.
After all these years of matrimonial slavery, women are beginning to set their priorities right. It is becoming clear to them that the quality of the marriage is what matters. They have come to agree that being single and happy is more important than being married and frustrated. But men won’t let them be. The same men would abuse a woman for opting to stay single. Isn’t this insane? You are not ready to treat somebody right, yet you won’t let them be. You tell them how stupid it is for a woman to be single, but your mouth won’t utter a word to tell men that they should treat women better. These things are worrisome to me. 
The women who are standing out and demanding for their rights as humans are being tagged with all sorts of names. We say all manner of things to dampen their spirits. We are citing them as the reasons behind the failure of marriages. What we have failed to see is that marriages weren’t successful as we were told. It is just that the women were covering up our nakedness just to make everybody feel that their marriages were perfect. The burden of covering up our masculine insanity has increased and they can no longer handle it. Recently, they have chosen to unmask the matrimonial institution and show the world what they have been hiding for ages. We are scared that our little secrets are being revealed. We aren’t as powerful as people thought we are. We are just cowards hiding under patriarchal privileges. 
So the question is, how many men are willing to put up with a woman who would give them the same dose of madness they have been giving to women? Exchange the roles and let the men be at the receiving end. Men are walking out of their marriages for little things as who cooked food, she starved me of sex for a week, she slapped me, she was flirting with my boss, I met the house dirty. Very insignificant, compared to what women have been putting up with. 
I would like you to judge for yourself. Who are the people sustaining marriages? Apart from a few reasonable men, most men marry without a sense of marital purpose, which is why they destroy their marriages themselves and blame their wives. Now you can see that we can’t even put up with marital challenges, yet we are always quick to say that women who walked out of abusive marriages were not willing to make their marriages work. If you are such a man, I wish you a very bad woman, and I hope you stick with her and make the marriage work. 
I want a good woman. I cannot come and suffer for the sins of other men. Bad women should go and marry bad men. Let the good marry the good. I didn’t come this far to pay for the stupidity of other men. After abusing a woman I will now come to reap your madness from her. 
I wish myself and all the responsible men out there, good women that would value us.

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I can't be more delighted that this was written by a man. 

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Chude Jideonwo: How It Came to Be That Goodluck Jonathan is an Option is 2019





got a lot of panicked responses after my last piece; the panic focused on one small nugget of information buried within it: the fact that, as things stand today, former president Goodluck Jonathan is the strongest candidate that the People’s Democratic Party can present in 2019.

So I decided to run slight interference, and do a follow up. What I apparently have taken for granted – not just as a result of insight into Nigeria’s political space cleaned from years of first, activism, then consulting; but also as a result of any number of PESTLE analyses that I have been involved in over the past 10 months – was a surprise to many.

It stood out especially for some respondents because my assessment of Jonathan’s presidency has been consistently, unshakably – and remains to this moment – harsh: he was, in my opinion, an ineffectual leader; one whose feckless cost the country greatly in corruption and insecurity at the minimum.

But personal desires are one thing, and honest political calculation is another. If anything, the latter is needed if the former will be fulfilled in any meaningful, practical way.

So let’s take some time to talk about how people get elected in a country like ours.

Actually, no, that’s a matter for another day’s piece. What this actually will do is try to explain the three broad categories that lead people to emerge as candidates in the primaries of the major Nigerian political parties, at least the gubernatorial and presidential elections.

There are three basic requirements:
1. Name recall
2. Access to finance
3. Establishment consensus

Name recall
I call this the test of ‘If we should your name in the market place, will people know who it is’?

It’s amazing how many sophisticated, intelligent people searching for complicated answers to simple questions often overlook this crucial factor in the way candidates are selected.

And it’s not just about countries like ours with primitive electoral environments. The singular reason Donald Trump was a viable candidate for the American president elections without previously holding any political office, or belonging to any political structure, was simply because Americans knew his name.

And the reason Sarkozy, the former French president, returned as party leader and then made another run for the presidency last year, despite what was a les than glorious first term, both locally and internationally, is because he possesses an electoral asset that it is immensely difficult for new players to quickly gather: the voting public knows his name.

This is why America’s politics can seem like a dynasty: political operatives impatient with experiments routinely look for tried-and-tested surnames like Bush or Clinton or Obama (if Michelle runs, which – for everything we know about American politics – is a distinct possibility) is because everyone knows their name.

And that applies even more significantly in a largely illiterate country like ours, where citizens do not have access to the body of information that is usually necessary for making informed choices. They typically have to employ shorthand to make decisions i.e. Does this person lay claim to Awo’s legacy? Does this person have an Igbo mother? And usually the most important question can be this – Do we know who this person is?

This is the fundamental driver behind the massive, and unshakeable electoral margins that President Muhammadu Buhari continued to rack in the North of Nigeria. They knew his name, they ‘knew’ what that name stood for; they were familiar with it. It was easier for them to vote for it.

It is the same reason Odimegwu Ojukwu continued to rack up wins for the All Progressives Grand Alliance through election cycles, despite having no realistic chance of winning anything beyond a gubernatorial election – you could call his name in any part of the South-East, at any day at any time, in any market; and they knew exactly who you were talking about.

It is the reason the PDP confidently presented the now-quickly-forgotten Hilda Williams as gubernatorial candidate for Lagos after her husband died. We knew the name Williams. It was easy to connect with.

No strategist worth his salt plays with the power of name recall.

Access to finance
If you think this only applies to startups and businesses looking to expand, you haven’t been paying enough attention to the politics of your country, at least over the past 17 years.

Access to finance is distinct of course from personal wealth. You can, like Olusegun Obasanjo, emerge from prison dirt-poor and yet find the critical mass of people and institutions ready to pool the resources you need for you to win electoral contests.

But, whether it is you money or it is other people’s money, there is no chance in heaven or hell that you are able to win elections in any part of this country without significant financial resources.

Now, while naivety or self-deception can lead people into viewing this as essentially negative, there is nothing at all wrong – ab initio – in the idea that it takes money to win an election.

By the very nature of democracy, it is inevitable that it will be expensive. And this can be said without even referring to the $1.2 billion Hillary Clinton spent last year or the $1.12 billion Barack Obama spent in 2012.

You just need to be a reasonable person looking at the reasonable steps that any reasonable person would have to take in winning a typical election.

To be governor in Lagos state for instance, you need a few things in order to communicate your personality and your ideas to the 1,678,754 who voted in the last elections.

You need to print banners, and you need to print fliers. You need to print posters, and you need to print your manifesto. And in doing this, you are thinking about reaching the about 2 million people, or at least the 1milloon half of it that you will need to thumbprint for you in order for you to win the election. And that is just basic printing cost. Without talking about the ‘excitement tools’ e.g. t-shirts, face-caps, and other livery.

We have not factored in the planning and hosting of the events you will have to do, repeatedly, across the Local Government Areas where people will vote. A typical event has sound, canopies, decoration, food and drinks, and others. Multiply this by the number of local governments and by the number of the times you need to make the visit to consolidate gains.

On and on and on – campaign buses, campaign offices, campaign staff, road shows, and all of this minus the modern imperative for TV and radio adverts, as well as online exposures. This is without the personnel costs that attend to running any mid-size enterprise.

There is a reason politics is called the art of ‘selling’ yourself and your ideas.

So if there are people that think financial resources in elections only come down to buying party forms, bribing whoever they think is usually bribed and distributing rice to random voters, they are talking about incidental costs rather than actual cost of sale.

Without the financial resources, or the ability to get those who have those resources to part with said resources, you are a non-starter.

Establishment consensus
To be honest, I have sat in any number of establishment meetings; by this I mean, meetings by the ‘movers’ and ‘shakers’ of Nigerian politics, from across the two major parties and some of the fringes, and here is the truth of discovery – there is not a lot of sophistication that goes on in those spaces.

That is one of the shocking revelations I have had from seven years of engagement from multiple angles in this space.

Most of the decisions come from gut, and perception – perception mostly coloured by location, experiences, interests and relationships. In essence, many of these decisions are narrow and parochial. They are not well thought out, and don’t exist based on verifiable facts.

That, of course, is why our country is the way it is. Think about it: if the minds that have been manipulating our affairs for 50 years have been engaged in the art of sophistication and depth, is this the kind of country that would result from that process?

Unfortunately, whether these are the brightest or not, they are the ones who determine our political affairs, and they are the ones who largely make decisions as to candidates, candidacies and political reflexes.

Many times their decisions come down to – ‘it is the turn of this part of the country’, ‘this is the guy that won’t upset the apple cart’, ‘a woman cannot win in that part of the country’, or ‘we just don’t like that guy’. That’s the kind of thinking that leads to political decisions in this country.

I remember being shocked at the beginning of my professional life about 15 years ago years ago, to be seated (they ignored me because I was 17 and they knew I was harmless) in a discussion, from whence one of the ‘powers that be’ in a South-Western state simply decided he wanted a woman to run for one of the offices under his influence. And that’s she was elevated for life into a force to reckon with.

That’s the consensus that gave us Goodluck Jonathan as president, ultimately, in 2010. Those principalities in the PDP decided that Peter Odili could not be Vice President to Umaru Yar’Adua and Donald Duke could not be Vice President, and any number of people couldn’t be – not for reasons of capacity, competence or character, but simply because they were too ambitious. The least ambitious person was selected, and the least ambitious person, by default, became the president of this country for 5 years and ended it by losing large swaths of Nigerian territory to terrorists and 276 girls from Chibok.

So how will Jonathan again become a potential presidential candidate in 2019? Well, because these powers that be will come together and finalise a year before those elections that he is the best bet to unify that party, without alienating any of those groups.

They will conclude that having him as candidate will help complete the second term that the South-South is ‘entitled’ to and he will have the experience to run the office and run the country simply by the fact of having been there before.

They will look around and they will most likely find nobody else who can fill that position. Nobody else whose name you can shout on the main-road of Onitsha market and random people will know his or her name. Nobody who is so ‘formidable’ that he or she will immediately attract cross-regional resources to wage an electoral war, and nobody else whom the powers that can be can establish an unsophisticated consensus around.

The calculation will fall on: Who can face Buhari in 2019 and neutralize his huge advantages in the North?

And that is how; if Buhari decides to run for president again in 2019, the old fault lines will re-emerge, and we will probably end up with Buhari versus Jonathan again for the presidency of the federal republic of Nigeria.

When that happens, we will have no choice but to play the hand that we are dealt.

Unless something gives now. Unless someone else builds the momentum to cross at least two of these three imperatives. Unless someone else has the kind of Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders, Marine Le Pen (yes), Olusegun Mimiko, Peter Obi-guts to stare the dragon in the face, and to decide that this thing is not further mathematics, and this kind of history can, should, and must be made.

There is no such person on the scene as we speak.

And, as you and I know, two years before the next general elections as we are today, time is already running out.


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Thoughts?





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Tuesday, 21 March 2017

#ThinTallTony. Shout Out To Nigerian Wives.




Please caption this. 

So whether or not you're watch Big Brother Naija, you must know about TTT and Bisola and their "love play" in the house. 

I've always been curious about his wife's feelings...

But there you have it; he denies you and your family, shames and humiliates you in front of the whole world, hurts your feelings and yet; "he's an amazing husband and father". 

Truth be told, I didn't expect anything different and I'm not at all judging her. Any Nigerian wife would do the same. 

Or don't you agree? 

Fun Things To Do In Lagos.




No, unfortunately I'm not telling, I'm asking. 

I'm going out with a friend this evening but I'm just weak. I really want to go out but I'm hella tired of the lounge-drinks-food thingy. Are there any fun things to do in Lagos besides going for drinks or going to the movies? 

If you know please let me know. 

What fun things can I do on a date, with a group of friends or on my own in Lagos state?

Ideas please! 

Monday, 20 March 2017

Scorpions.




" A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. “Are youmad?” exclaimed the turtle. “You’ll sting me while I am swimming and I will drown.”


“My dear turtle,” laughed the scorpion, “if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?”


“You’re right!” reasoned the turtle. “Hop on!” The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:


“Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there would be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?”


“It has nothing to do with logic,” the drowning scorpion sadly replied. 

“IT IS JUST MY CHARACTER.”

So it is with some humans. No matter how nice or good you maybe to them, it is just in their nature and character to sting (betray, rob, cheat, hurt, kill, blackmail etc) for no reason.



I read this post on SDK's blog and it got me thinking. I think we've all met scorpions. I certainly have, unfortunately. It's that maid whose life and family you turned around yet robbed you blind and put your family at risk. It's the friend who you loved wholeheartedly and wished nothing but the best yet they peddled lies about you and stabbed you not in the back, but in the chest. It's that lover that you made sacrifices for, gave your love, your body, soul and money, yet all that time their hearts were with someone else and when time came they dumped you without as much as a second glance. 

Am I the only one who's wondered why some people are inherently bad and inclined to do bad, no matter how good you've been to them? Have you met anyone like this? Why are they the way they are...

May your week & life be scorpion free.








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Sunday, 19 March 2017

10 Lessons From My First Wedding As An Events Planner.











The wedding held yesterday, on the 18th of March 2017 in Lagos. 


1. Confirm vendors, reconfirm and then confirm again. This goes without saying, right? Well you'd be surprised. I called the MC two weeks to the wedding. Then I called again a few days to the wedding and this guy, who'd been paid 60% of his money, said he had no idea where the wedding was holding. I called the DJ at 9am that morning and he was still in bed. I called the baker for the 3rd time since planning started, a day to the wedding, to ask what time the cake would get to the venue. It was then she started asking me some very strange questions and I wonder if we'd have even had a cake if I hadn't called. 

2. Be proactive. Think of everything that could go wrong and squash it before it happens. The tiniest blip could cause a great catastrophe. The baker forgot to add a knife to cut the cake. The DJ, unknown to him, didn't have the song for the couple's first dance. The small chops people had thought small chops was to come as desert not starter... I found these out that morning while trying to identify everything that could go wrong. From the day planning starts for an event, be proactive in identifying problems. 

3. Patience is key. People will test your patience. Pull you in different directions. Everybody is going to want something from you. Vendors, guests and family of the couple may test your patience. The event is in your hands, you cannot afford to allow your patience wear thin otherwise things would unravel and your event begins to fall apart. 

4. When choosing vendors don't depend on Instagram photos. Instagram pictures are ochestrated to look perfect and pretty. People would even post great reviews given to them by clients on their Instagram, some of these great reviews are fake! It's best to pick vendors who have been tested and trusted by people you know. 

5. Let your ushers understand that their job is beyond looking pretty. Ushers have become a "thing" in contemporary Nigerian weddings. So if you're going to have them at yours, training is important. They are also a good instrument for managing guests. So (after adequate training) delegate some of the work as relates to guests to them. They'd take some of the load off you. 

6. Vendors... That one word could cause jitters. These humans can make or break your event. Choose them carefully. Handle them carefully. The ones that are good, keep them. You're going to need them for future events. It's best to have a team of vendors that you are can trust. 

7. Everybody is going to depend on you for everything. From the decorators to the caterers, the MC to the security. From the couples' family to the couple's work friends. You've got to be accessible, approachable, collected and yes, patient. Also be prepared to handle people from different backgrounds, with different personalities and different demands. Be prepared to be a problem solver. 

8. You spend weeks or months in advance planning, but even during the event your job doesn't stop. It doesn't stop until post-event. Your job doesn't end until it's all over. 

9. Brides, most of them, are naturally temperamental. First, if anything isn't going quite right during the wedding, handle it while making sure that they do not get a whiff of it. Generally, manage them with patience and understanding. 

10. Breathe. After thorough planning, after you've planned every detail meticulously, crossed the Ts and dotted the Is, some things may still go wrong. Breathe and accept this. You're in the moment, so breathe and enjoy it as much as you can, and then learn from it. 




***
My next event is a conference coming up in April. Want me to plan or coordinate your event, call (234) 08034927210


So guys lets talk about your experience at weddings. What about Nigerian weddings don't you like? Is it the way the food servers never get to some people while focusing on others? Is it how small chops is just never ever enough? Is it some rather awkward and overly sensuous couples' first dance? Is it the female guests dressing as if na dem dey marry? LOL. You tell me. 




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BoDI: My Story; ONCE UPON A TIME




prayed to God to give me a husband. Like every  born again Christian lady I wanted a good Christian man and being very popular in my Headquarters church, I had the mindset that a certain group of people would likely walk up to me and say “the Lord says you are the bone of my bone yada yadayada” but…it didn’t happen! I became confused and wondered how come! I appear on all the screens in the church to give the church news more than anyone else in my department and I would always get compliments after the service but I wasn’t getting marriage proposals! Kilode! Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t doing it for marriage but in my little mind as a human being I just felt it would put me in a better position to get a “Bro” to take me off the single’s market! When I realized it wasn’t working I decided to just hold on to God for God more and take my mind off getting a spouse by just being on screens speaking grammar.


Bear in mind biko there were guys coming to try to start something with me but after praying and being patient I discover stuff about them and the whole thing goes down the drain. Let me point out at this stage that I don’t seek prophets or prophecies I just pray on my own and really its being a very revealing time! There was a brother in church who left me cosafter he asked for sex and I said no he told me to go increase my boobs and bum! He broke off with me on that note but we know why he did don’t weLol,,, I wish that brother could see me now! 


At this point I had made up my mind to not marry any guy from my church as I felt they were just like this guy, life did go on and I continued to work pray and serve, I made friends with a very quiet guy in church who was also a member of my department and I told him my experience with the guy in church. He only told me to be careful of some brothers in church as their intentions were not really sincere, he was a good friend and not my type anyways so it was safe talking to him, towards the end of the year he started chatting me in a much friendlier way! I be woman nau so I suspected where he was headed but sine he was not ‘my type’ I just played dumb and made him feel dumber in a way,  eyah! Fast forward months later we started dating, I decided to keep this relationship a secret from my friends as I was tired of telling them I have some one and later it’s over,,,it worked! Depending on the pattern of events in your life, it’s good to know when to share certain things and whom to share them with for me sharing my plans with people before I do them usually ends in the failure of the ‘intended plan’,,, I believe someone can relate with me. 


I am not writing this to show off or rub some things in anyone’s face trust me I have nothing to boast of save the grace of God, I just want to share my story and hopefully it encourages someone or we can all learn from each other. Now let me put dates to my story…I joined this church in 2011, started this relationship in 2013 say between January to march, told the pastor in December, started marriage counseling in March till August 2014, got married in 2016 at the young age of 34! 


To be continued


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Written by #BoDI







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Thursday, 16 March 2017

Happy Birthday To Me!!!





Yay!

It's finally here. My birthday πŸ’ƒπŸ’ƒπŸ’ƒ

I'm so thankful to God for adding another beautiful year to my life. I'm grateful. 

Happy birthday to me. 

❤️




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Wednesday, 15 March 2017

That Time I Called Off My Wedding





When Changing Your Mind is Not a bad Thing: That Time I Called Off My Wedding (diary of a Naija girl). 

There is nothing worse than staring at your wedding date on a calendar and having that deep sense of doom in your heart. For me, it was a sinking feeling, a feeling of resignation, I kept telling myself, “just go ahead with it, everything will be okay”. There was a time I wrote an article about being over 30, desperate and worried, I also said I have been there. This is my story
I met my ex fiancΓ©e 8 months before he proposed. I was getting close to 30, I had set a date for myself, come rain or high water, I would be married by age 30. So when this guy came along, I told myself, this is it! I must make this work. He was not my ideal guy, but experience had taught me then, “who ideal guy help?”

So I went ahead and dated him. I was ashamed to take him to parties because his grammar was deeply flawed, I would correct him nicely when we’re alone together but cringe inwards when we’re 
out with company because it would be rude to say anything. He also had insecurity issues, he felt I was too much for him and would break up with him soon to be with another man who is/was worthy, so he began to lie about his net worth. If he was worth a hundred, he would lie to me he was worth 10 million. I noticed these things, but patched them up because I had to get married at 30
On my part, I couldn’t bring myself to respect him. I was more ambitious, and he had all these plans but never really did anything about them. if I did really love him, I was supposed to be patient and help him achieve his dreams, which I tried to do but i would have done better if I respected him, trusted him and was genuinely in love with him.

On my 30th birthday, I had a birthday dinner and when he was his turn to speak, I was shaking inwards, I knew he was going to propose and instead of excitement, I was scared. I sunk in my already flat tummy, wiped my sweaty palms on my green dress and prepared myself. When he began his speech, my eyes were already teary, I braced myself. Someone had told me, “love grows, if he loves you so much, you’ll eventually start loving him back”. I held on to that, and accepted the ring.

Eventually, I made up my mind that this was my cross to bear, this guy loved me too much and he would never leave me, so whatever happens, I would make things work. The lies continued and the assurance that I would never leave him, he asked me to promise him this at least two times a week, I indulged him. This continued even after our family introduction, on that day, I cried again. My closest friends were with me and I still didn’t feel safe, my dad got all the brunt as I lashed out at him and wished my mum was around. I was throwing tantrums, because I couldn’t bear to look inwards and tell myself to stop the process.

We began the wedding preparations: We paid for the hall, got a wedding planner, paid in full for a popular comedian as the MC, I had bought tickets to travel for wedding shopping and dress picking appointments with three wedding dress makers including Vera Wang. My friends had also paid a substantial sum for Aso-Ebi. Asides from the money spent, a lot of people had invested themselves in this process. It was during this process, two months to the wedding, I caught him in another HUGE lie. 
Initially I never thought of calling off the wedding, I told myself to look away, this too will pass. But when I could not sleep that night and began to pray, it dawned on me that this would be my life. Sleepless nights, unhappiness, lack of trust, crying and praying to calm the storm I created, the possibilities of cheating on my part and the expectation of cheating on his part. I thought about people and money that had been invested, I almost changed my mind but God strengthened my resolve.

 I told him it was over. He tried to beg me to reconsider but even he couldn’t put much effort into it. My family, his family and our friends tried to convince me to change my mind, but when I began to refund people’s Aso-Ebi money, they finally accepted there was not going to be a wedding that year. I felt complete relief, like a heavy load had suddenly being lifted off me. Were there moments of remorse and regret? Yes. But they passed quickly, because I had never been more sure of a decision.

And if you are reading this and have already called off your wedding, you need to know that everything will be okay. It probably does not feel like it today, and it may not even feel like it tomorrow, or a week from now, or six months from now. You will hurt. You will feel painfully lonely. You might feel humiliated. But, everything will eventually be okay, I know this for a fact!



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When proposals have been made and accepted and then the thought of spending your life with that person makes your mouth dry and your heart sink, then you're about to make the greatest mistake if you go ahead with it. Still, how easy is it to cancel a wedding when plans are already underway, especially when, like in the post above, vendors have been paid, asoebi has been sold, invites have been sent out, a wedding planner has been contracted, the venue has been paid for etc etc etc? I know a few people who went ahead with marriages that frightened them because "it's just too late to turn back now, everything is already ready!". 
What factors do you imagine could make you call off the wedding to someone you'd already said yes to? 

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

She Must Have Done Something To Deserve This.




"In this day my darling husband saw his wife and mother of his child bleeding on the floor but was still hugging and puffing. Swearing on his mothers life that that was going to be my last day on earth. Swearing that he would "enter Instablog" as the next man who killed his wife. I can't help but imagine 2 conductors on the streetfighting, 2 strangers. When one starts to bleed the other would think "ha make I calm down oh" talkleas of beating your defenseless wife who did Nothing to you (or please ask him, what I did, I would love to be able to make sense of this, love to know my offense). He showed no mercy,still said to me that I was going to drown in my blood. He locked all doors, even balconies invade I wanted to jump out! The man I loved striped to his underwear in front of my friend and the abuse went on for hours, he had 2 of his own friends in the house and even they weren't enough to stop him, he was exchanging blows with them, just to get to me. It was as though he had 5 men inside him,determined to kill me. I excaped only by the grace of God. My friend and I were running on the street with blood on me like this and people wondering what happened to us. And this was just one day. I can write a book on the living hell I lived. 


***

I was just about to share a story on domestic violence when I saw this one at the top of my instagram feed. DV has become the order of the day, makes no sense right? One would have thought that since it's now largely talked about on social media, the perpetrators would have a rethink. Instead, the perps seem to be getting bolder and even more cruel. In the post I'd wanted to share, the lady is dead. As in, deceased. One day hubby smashed her head on the wall for trying to defend herself from his blows, and that was it. Dead. 

But you see, social media has truly revealed that a lot of men are evil. I find that most men actually think DV is okay. I read comments that men, men with names and faces and families, make and I'm shocked. I've noticed that in cases of domestic violence, no matter how brutal, they rarely ever condemn the act. Most times, like in the post above with a bleeding, bruised and beaten woman, they say the lady must have done something to push her husband to that point. Other times they say women should stop painting men black on social media and deal with their shit at home. A large majority of them stay quiet, which looks to me like acceptance. 

I was shocked the day I put up something on DV on Instagram and someone, a husband and father, whom I've always known and admired commented saying women should stop blowing this DV thing out of proportion, that besides, these abused women should come clean and confess what they do to make their husbands beat them to that point. 

At this point all I can say is, mothers we need to do better. We need to raise better men than our mothers and grandmothers did. There is something seriously fundamentally wrong with many Nigerian men and I think upbringing plays a huge part in this. 

Is there really anything a wife could do to her husband to deserve the picture above? If his friend, colleague or boss had provoked him, do you think he would have dared do this to them? Then why is it when it comes to their wives that some WEAK men have power? 










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Getting Older!





Is it okay to admit that I think about it, getting older, and I nearly freak out?

Is it okay to admit that I don't feel that age at all?
Seriously guys, I still do. So you can imagine how weird it all feels... Somewhere at the back of my mind I can't believe I'm actually going to be..... shhhhhhh, I can't even say it yet. 

I remember late 2015 when a blog reader called me and complained about her boyfriend complaining about the way she dressed. She'd said he wanted her to dress more conservatively. She didn't like that. She said and I quote "I don't see what's wrong with how I dress. I cannot be dressing like an old woman, I cannot be dressing as if I'm 30 or 40, I'm still young biko". 

I was 30 at the time and I'd just caught a glimpse of what 30 looked like to a 23 year old. 

It wasn't very pretty. 

However, In my current reality, I seem to be having the best time of my life everrrrrrr, since I turned 30, so no it's not bad at all. 

I'm in a very good place, I haven't got much to complain about at the moment (besides maybe, my blog not being where it should be because of me not doing the things I should do, but that's story for another day), I've not felt this happy and optimistic ever before, so why does my heart skip a beat when I realize I'm turning 32 in 2 days?

What is is about getting older that makes us freak out, or become reflective, or even make some of us lie about our age? 

Really, what is it? 

So anyways, hello, my name is Thelma, and I'm 32. How old are you?

(I'm serious, I want everyone who read this to tell me their age, you're free to go anonymous if you like. I suddenly just want to know how old (or young) everyone else is...)




😊.



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Thursday, 9 March 2017

"Tell Me How Much You Want This!" and other things that could killher "She-rection".





I couldn't read this alone, and you know, me I like this kind of gist. LOL. So read with me. 


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking dirty talking. In fact, I believe a healthy dose can serve as that extra spark to keep the fire burning. But, there are just a few things that are guaranteed to kill my lady boner long before we even get to the good stuff. Let’s take the “who’s your daddy?” question, for instance. Seriously. Okay, sweetheart, I know exactly who my daddy is and  he is absolutely the last person I want to think about when I am sprawled naked underneath you. I honestly do not get this one. Is it supposed to be a turn on if I imagine you are my father? Or is it just one of those things guys seem to learn from adult movies and think, ‘yup, that’s a good one. Imma be her ‘daddy’ next time we get freaky.’

And then there’s “you want this? Tell me how much you want this. Say it. Say it louder.” Once again. Naked. Underneath you. It’s not because I am expecting you to offer me ice cream. (Although, Ice cream while getting the business? Can’t say that’s a bad idea). It is safe to assume that I do want it.
Still on the subject of irrelevant questions, I was once with a guy, let’s call him TJ, who seemed to be very obsessed with how things were ‘coming,’ so to speak. He would constantly want to know if I am coming, when I will come and if I had come. It got so bad that I would just want to yell at him, “give me a minute to focus, maybe my orgasm wouldn’t be so elusive.’ Needless to say, I never did manage to ‘arrive’ when I was with him.
Then there are the ones that don’t even need you to say a thing. They are simply happy doing all the talking themselves. “I am the best!” “I am the biggest.” “You’ve never had anyone better.” “I am the king.” “I am the messiah.” (Okay, maybe I exaggerated that last part, but the other ones are true. I swear).
Here is a simple rule of thumb, unless she specifically requests that you use degrading words on her, please, steer clear of describing her like you will the girls you pick by the roadside and pay by the hour for. While I never personally experienced the ‘you are my wh@#$; You are a nasty little sl$%, aren’t you; Yeah, ride that D like the c*&* I know you are” guys, I have had a number of girls tell of how very uncomfortable this is. In fact, a few of them have even had to get up, dressed and leave because of how affronted they felt.
No, this is not particular to guys alone, so I am not man-bashing here. In fact, while writing this piece, I spoke to a few guys who were happy to share. Oh boy, did I get an earful?
There is one chick who literally spilled out Yoruba incantations while doing the deed; another who screamed very loudly that she is dying and that someone is killing her (wonder if her neighbours ever come knocking). Oh, and then my friend, Ben, tells me of a chick that just loves to say, over and over again, “In the name of Jesus.” Not exactly sure where that comes from but I am absolutely certain that Ben takes it as a compliment on his prowess.
Okay, I am fully aware of the fact that just because it does not work for me does not mean it doesn’t get others all hot and bothered. But my point is, it pays to know your audience. Instead of simply plagiarising whatever it was you learned, wherever you learned it, you should tailor it specifically to your partner. And if your words are not met with the right amount of enthusiasm, this is your cue to stop and maybe try something else.
And as for those of you that seem to have no boundaries in that department -yes, I’m talking to you, you naughty little minx you- whatever floats your boat. What the heck do I know?
I would love to hear from you. What crazy things have you heard? Which ones worked for you? Let’s get talking.
***
Written by Sandra Dairo for Bella Naija




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Wednesday, 8 March 2017

And On Tonto Dike's Crashing Marriage...





Guys, it's been unfolding before our very eyes. I still feel awkward being made privy to the intimate details and dirty laundry in people's marriages, but thanks to social media, some marriages have become our daily entertainment. 

When these celebrities share so much, display so much on social media, often times tell blatant boldfaced lies, I wonder why. Why do they bother? Do they not know that people don't care? That no matter how colourful or scandalous it is, it will and can only be a source of entertainment to us? Do they not know that people are dealing with their own shit and will never care enough to think about it beyond what it is; entertainment... 

I'm still reeling from the Rob and Rose (or whatever) saga and how desperately thirsty an individual can be to steal photos of somebody else's dogs, claim them to be hers and even christen them! Like just why? Who was Oge Okoye trying to impress? Why does she think we care that much that she would foolishly stoop to the lowest of lows and indulge in something so pathetic and shameless?

Like, Nigerian celebrities are the worst! No paparazzi is following you around, nobody is bugging your homes or hotel rooms, no psycho is stalking you and rummaging through your dustbin outside your house trying to know what you ate for breakfast... You have the freedom to live your lives in peace and quiet that most sane celebrities the world over would die for, yet you choose to be your own paparazzi, but worse still, you insult us and feed us lies! 

Fear God. 

This isn't about Oge but it's the same questions I asked about Tonto when she started to reveal to the world that all the cars, the gifts and the perfect pictures she had sold us were mere figments of an unimaginative imagination... Like, WHY? Oh, and let's not forget the people that saw those pictures and had sleepless nights wishing they could have Tonto Dike's perfect life, garnished with the wealthy, handsome, doting, loving, extremely generous husband. 

Life!

I wonder what people did before social media...

And last night I watched clips of her interview with Azuka Ogujiuba and she talks about domestic violence, infidelity, neglect and abandonment, emotional abuse, and what not. And I feel bad for Tonto, I really do. However some part of me is struggling to empathize. 

That said, the 3 Ts (Tiwa, Toke, Tonto) have given us enough entertainment to last the rest of 2017, and it's sad that their marriage is the fodder. However, domestic violence is not something anybody should stay quiet about. For this, I'm glad Tonto finally found the strength to leave while she's still alive. I'm happy she's speaking up about what happened. We need to name and shame these men that think it's okay to dehumanize the women they married. 

I also wonder why the devil attacks marriages with so much ferocity...



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Boys Get Molested Too.









Yesterday I was talking to a friend who told me how he lost his virginity to his Aunty who had started playing with his penis when he was 8. He said she gave him his first blowjob and ejaculation a few years later. When he was 8 this aunty was about 21. He said this amidst boisterous laughter. Until I told him I'm sorry he was molested. He seemed not to understand. 

Truth is, 3 out of 5 males you know was molested as a child, most lost their virginity to either that house girl, that aunty, that cousin, that pastor, or that neighbour. 

Why doesn't anyone talk about molestation in male children? Or am I wrong, is it not as rampant as I think it is?

Why doesn't molestation in male children get as much "airplay" as much there is when it happens to the girl child?

Happy International Women's Day.




To our sisters, our mothers, our daughters and us, I wish us all a happy International Women's Day. I think these are very interesting times for women. Never has there been a time such as now that we've been more convinced that the future indeed is Her. More and more women are taking the lead in different fields of life, and what makes is exciting to watch is that they're pushing the envelope, breaking boundaries, and taking empowering other women to a whole other level. 

I'm greatly inspired by a lot of women both Nigerian and otherwise. It's International Women's Day today and I'd like us, male (yes, male) and female to talk about the women who inspire you and why they inspire you. 

Do you believe the future is Her?





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#FranklySpeaking. The Suleiman Scandal.





"Wisdom is the principal thing and in all thy getting, get wisdom" ( Proverbs 4:7)

The Bible didn't say anointing was the principal thing. It said wisdom was the principal and in everything you get (including anointing) get wisdom. 

Apostle Suleiman could have simply avoided this scandal by referring this convert to his wife's department or the women ministry. 

You convert a stripper, a professional seductress and she wants your phone number, wisdom demands you give her your wife's number before she will dis-anoint you. Speaking in this tongues won't help you out in this case sir. 

When it comes to lust of the flesh, the Bible in 2nd Timothy 2:22 said FLEE. Bible didn't say pray, or speak in tongues, or cast and bind, or counsel, the Bible said FLEE. 

An ex stripper is professional seductress and you are a man of God, not a God of man. Man of God means, you are a man just like any other man. If you are in doubt, ask David the King. Ask Sampson, Ask Solomon. They were all anointed too. 

As a man of God, the wise thing to do was to is flee or hand her over to your wife's ministry rather than opening communications with her. I'm sure she won't be asking your wife for money to set up business if you had stopped all communications with her. 

Remember that "Evil communications corrupts good manners" ( 1st Corinthians 15:33). The problem began with opening that communication channel, it can lead to many things .

I do not believe all the things Miss Stephanie Otobo said, but I suspect the pastor must have had an 'inappropriate' relationship with this lady especially through their communications. 

It's very possible that those video calls screen munched pictures were real, but this also means that the lady had her own game plan by screen munching and saving them. 

This should be a lesson for other pastors and men of God. 

Wisdom is the principal thing and in all thy getting, get wisdom.







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Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Your Seed Must Make You Bleed!





I tuned into 99.3 Naija Info one morning some days ago just in time to hear the gist. A caller had written in to complain that his wife of two years had done the unthinkable, she had taken his car and sown as a seed to their pastor. He said something similar happened when they were still dating, she also carried his valuable property to pastor and used it to sow a seed in church. 

The first time she did that, when she was just his girlfriend, he made it clear that that was totally unacceptable and must not repeat itself. But now, baby girl has caried his car, the only one they have at home, and handed it with the keys over to the pastor. 

The man said he had had it with her and has moved out of their home. He said he no longer feels safe with her, and doesn't think he can trust her anymore...

I think seed-sowing is something we need to address. I have sown seeds when I felt led to. But I remember how furious and cheated I felt when I gave someone cash, the most amount of cash I'd ever given anyone in my entire life, only for this person to carry all that cash and go and sow seed. 

One major tactic, if I may call it that, that these pastors use to "maximize profit" is telling you that your seed must bleed or something, basically it must create a dent, that for it to be acceptable to God you must feel the hit. That you must give God money or valuables that its absence would be a huge loss in your life. They back it up with accurate scriptures and stories of people who sowed their entire lives savings, who came and dropped the keys to their brand new jeep at the altar and went home in molue, who packed their entire annual salary and sowed it in the church, and they follow these stories with staggering accounts of how in 2 weeks or less God multiplied what they sowed. 

I wonder about it. Do you sow seeds? How do you know you're sowing on fertile ground or do you just  do it and hope for "dividends"? Where do we draw that lines in sowing seeds; what do you consider too much to sow?

And to the guy above. What would you do in his shoes? Some people suggest going to the pastor to demand for his car and in the face of resistance, have him arrested... Some suggested he have his wife arrested, as the car is not hers to give. Some callers even said a woman has no right to make such a decision on her own whether the car is hers or not; such decisions should be made by the husband or her father, and not a woman... But that's topic for another day.

So?.....




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