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Ese Walter's Shocking Account; Smashing Baby, Running Away & Post-Partum Depression.




On her facebook page, Ese narrated how she abandoned her 9 months 3 weeks old baby with her mother in Abuja and ran down to Lagos, in November 2015, when she became so depressed after childbirth. She says the depression was so heavy that a certain day, she thought of smashing her baby on the wall. Read below

They called me a bad mother Writer, Ese Walker-Ark, shares her shocking battle with postpartum depression, reveals she abandoned her baby for sometime and even thought of smashing him on the wall?

After Boobman was born I struggled to find my Happy. At the same time, I had to act happy because who isn’t happy after birthing a child?

I carried on everyday reminding myself that as a mother my happiness came second. I needed to be there for my child. I needed to love him, care for him, take care of him etc.

As he grew, I felt myself sink deeper into the hole that sat in my core. And I couldn’t express this. I remember the day the health visitor came to check on us. She asked, “have you had any unpleasant thoughts concerning your baby?”

“No, I have been so happy since he arrived.” I lied.

She asked a few more questions, checked his height, head size, weight, and was done.

As she left, I wondered if I should call her back and tell her about that night he wouldn’t sleep and I needed sleep, and as I breastfed him, I imagined what would happen if I threw him against the wall. Perhaps I’d be free from this little bondage that seemed to be running my life. But I didn’t. I feared they would think me crazy. Some who knew me already thought me crazy. Sigh. I let her go. I returned to getting by one day at a time.

The day he turned 6 months, I decided I was going to run away. Because he was breastfeeding and I didn’t have any money I stuck around. At 9 months and three weeks, I had saved a little money so I weaned him one Friday, cold turkey style. Nobody knew I was weaning him. By the next day, he had forgotten breast. I was left with swollen painful breasts but I felt it was worth it because finally nothing was tying him to me.

On the 1st of November 2015, a week before he turned 10 months, I took him to my mum’s along with a new nanny I had gotten a week earlier. I told my mum I had a spa date and would be back for him in 2 hours.

As I left the house, I headed to the airport, bought a one way ticket to Lagos and left Abuja, Boobman, and motherhood behind. I sent text messages to my family that I was gone and not coming back.

They tried to reach me by email. I was told that I abandoned my child and I was a bad mother. It was true. They were right. I had already concluded to myself that I was a bad mother long before anyone else told me so. I wasn’t going to mother, I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to feel I mattered too. I wanted to feel, period.

I didn’t want to hurt my baby. I wasn’t sure how long I would have lasted before I snapped. Leaving was the only option. I wasn’t going to come back.

A few months later we were reunited. I was told to apologize to him for leaving him. What they didn’t know was for the months I planned my leaving, he was aware. I told him every time I breastfed him that I was sorry I had to go away without him. I told him the times I was sad. I told him the times I felt lost and empty. And the night before that November 1st, I shed a tear as I told him I was leaving the next day.

I still remember my final thought before I left. I said to myself, “if I die now, this child will survive and even thrive.” At that, my mind made itself up.

I know we like to think a mother should sacrifice herself for her babies but sometimes mother wants to run away and leave everything behind. This usually starts and ends as a thought or wishful thinking for most new mothers. For me, it was the only way to live. So I took the leap.

_______________


This left me with a lot of questions. Is Ese now a single mum? Last I checked she got married after that COZA scandal where she admitted to having had a sexual relationship with their head pastor. The marriage was talked about because most people were shocked that someone married her, so soon after the scandal. 

I would have also loved her to talk more about her depression. Did going away work for her? Does she love being a mother now? How did she handle parenting months after leaving her baby? What was she doing in Lagos during the period she was away? Did she share this post because she's addicted to oversharing on social media? Because in my opinion this important part of this story would be what happened after she returned, but as it is, it's like she just wanted to give us gist. Oh well...

Comments

  1. It is an excerpts from her second book,most likely the questions will be addressed in the book. Sometimes i feel she is damaged inside and she is trying to put forth this front of 'I am all good and i can put myself out there without giving a hoot of peoples opinion'.


    Another girl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops! Thanks for the clarification Another Girl.

      Delete
  2. Given our environment and culture a lot of people won't take this seriously. I first heard of this some years back while watching Desperate Housewives and there's this soap running on tv some years back where Caroline King was married to Norbert Young can't remember the name now, she Mrs Anyawu had given birth to her last child and she experienced Postpartum depression a terrible condition had to google about it and no its not just happening to "white people", it opened my eyes to realise that both genders could suffer Postpartum depression after birthing a baby. More awareness on this condition would really go a long way. Spouse and family members if they know about this medical condition, through caring and understanding can help the mom experiencing this recover faster. I think mothers too should please speak up to their doctors or midwives too, if they experience any of postpartum symptoms so that they in turn could explain postpartum depression to the spouse/ family. Lest someone starts thinking the woman is possessed, need deliverance , selfish or plain evil.

    ReplyDelete
  3. She just wanted to give us gist abeg because there are lots of holes in the story. Me thinks she's addicted to trending for a few and she misses it.

    Did she not also talk about being in a domestic violent situation, when she was dating her ex... Or it wasn't her? Oh well.

    ReplyDelete
  4. From personal experience, all I can say is post partum depression is real.
    Its most common especially after the first child... Cos that's the first time a woman is experiencing motherhood.

    After my first child, I experienced something similar. I was in pains from my episiotomy (cut in my vjay), plus my nipples hurt from breastfeeding, my baby refused to take the bottle (expressed breast milk) so I could get some sleep, I was nursing every 2 hrs, I was cranky and irritable. One Sunday, my mom and hubby went to church and left me with the baby for about an hour. About 45 mins after they left, my baby started crying, I felt a sudden indescribable urge to fling the baby off the bed onto the floor. The very thought frightened me. I took a few minutes to calm myself down.. I couldn't trust myself to carry her at that instant... Luckily I heard the key at the door... My mom and husband were home. What a relief.

    That's my story. 4 weeks after the birth, my pains had healed, my baby was sleeping longer and the depression cleared. I even had a very hands on husband after my mom left, we got an older nanny that was really helpful.

    Some women have little or no help, imagine their own situation.

    I think she shared this to help other women.

    After I read this article, I checked her out on facebook, the baby she was referring to was her first child a boy.

    She has since had another baby after that-a girl. I can safely assume that she's still married to her husband.

    Regarding the scandal... I was surprised and also impressed that Benny Ark flouted all convention and married her after the scandal with the COZA pastor. The pastor is even more to blame than she is because of his position of authority and trust IMHO.


    Gift.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said Gift. Chrisyinks

      Delete
  5. The first time I read about this lady and COZA wahala. I felt bad. Not because of what she wrote, but because she knew the man was a pastor and slept with him then had the mind to post it on social media. Please do not judge me. I am not saying what the COZA pastor did was good by sleeping with her. What am I typing self.... Good afternoon everyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol.....good afternoon. Chrisyinks

      Delete
  6. I admire her honesty. I almost lost my mind at several points in my short motherhood journey. I remember making the hard decision to sleep train my twins at 3 months old and hearing them cry for about 30 mins each nite for 3 or 4 days. I sat down in the dark in the nursery till they both fell alseep. The journey is far from easy, but I have learnt schedules work and i also take a few hours away from them to work or just do nothing. Yes I hide from my kids. I don't want any more children at this point and I am grateful for the 2 I have. I also acknowledge that being a mother is the most challenging role I have ever had.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dunno what to say. Depression is a serious something. Thank God for grand mothers.

    Peace

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thelma. Watin happen. Why this long silence. You don go yanki abi na obobo oyibo man carry you go. Why you no wan post comments. What am I typing self.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Thelma.

    How are you doing!

    Is your blog still active... Pls Post now 💝💝

    ReplyDelete

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